Family? Trip

Going on a trip with my children father was not weird at all. I thought I would be awkward, and uncomfortable, and my anxiety would be out the roof but it felt like normal. It felt like I’ve been missing him this whole time, my rock, my kids rock, it felt like home. I was so happy to see him but could show him that because we are not together and we haven’t spoken about it lately. He wanted to put that conversation off until next year because he says he have a lot on his plate at the moment. A part of me gets anxiety because I feel like I need him, I feel like every since we went our separate ways, although my life in the career aspect is looking up, everything else seems to be out of control and I am just trying to whole all my eggs together with no basket in sight. Don’t really know how to tell him that though, never seem to be the right time.

The day we went to Disney world he surprised me with matching outfits, I was shocked, I kind of told me how he feels because he use to do that for us while we was together. Matching shoes, shirts, and pants and our girls was matching with my nephew for his birthday, we looked real put together. We did hit some challenges though, summer didn’t really know renardo. She would not go with him, she was very hesitant, summer loves food, like absolutely love food and when he tried to feed her and she would not budge. And that is when it hit me that being away from him for so long is making an effect on their relationship because although she calls him daddy, that connection as her father is going away and that is our fault.

But out side of that everything went smoothly and the girls and I needed a break from the real world, even though it was only for 2 days. I thank god my anxiety was ok, and I didn’t get a chance to over think, it felt good to not be overthinking and just living in the moment. I was able to get some awesome pictures out of it.

Until Next Time…

Cloudy Eyes

It has been awhile since I have talked about this because sometimes it is a low key trigger but I have been dealing with anxiety for the past month now and this is the worst it has ever been. Some days I am ok and I don’t over think anything, but then sometimes I am overthinking every little thing and i don’t know how to bring myself back to earth. Last time i dealt with this situation is was when I was in college and I did not have kids, it was just me and that was ok because I could take care of myself. But having kids makes it hard to get myself together, especially doing it alone without their father around. We parted ways a year a go, the girls and I moved to Miami, while he stayed in Georgia, so everything falls on me. There’s no you keep them this weekend and I keep them the next weekend. It is just always me, always on.

I honestly did not expect for me to break down from always being on, and never having a time to be off, just do something that makes me happy. Doing youtube makes me happy, but I have to do it in a rush before summer ( my 1 year old) wakes up from her nap, before I have to pick Skylar (my 5 year old) up from school, and after I do postmates to make a little bit of money to replace the job I lost in May. I am not sure if all these things combined set me off into crazy lady, depressed, anxiety mode but I am here.

A friend brought it to my attention that I am starting to forget things more, and my emotions are all out of wack, one day they are up, one day they are down. I for some reason, him saying that made me snap in a way. That is when I can say I had my anxiety attack and it hit hard, it knocked me off my feet because I haven’t felt this way in 6 years. I thought it was a one time thing, but now when I think about it, that was the last time I felt so overwhelmed and alone. I guess I am back in that spot.

I have been trying to get it together though. I am drink so much green juice (green apples, kale, and spinach) suppose to be good for the brain, meditating (when I can) suppose to teach you how to shut your brain off and teach your brain how to heal itself, and last but not least yoga ( I have not been so successful on this one, its hard y’all) to center myself and increase happy hormones throughout the brain. At the moment medicine isn’t an option for me, but if I hit a point that I need it and the natural way is not working, trust me I will be running to a doctor.

The hard part is staying on track, sometime motherhood takes over and I forget about me, really forget about me and dont remember until it is too late. Trying to take care of myself while taking care of two girls is the most challenging thing I ever had to do. And I gave birth TWICE ! If you deal with anxiety, depression, panic attacks and you have children, how do you do it? Do you have a support system? If not, what is your methods?

Until Next Time…